Surrender? What?

Let’s face it, I rarely write for public view, but here I am putting my feelings in black and white. This in itself is a lesson for me, letting others in to see who I truly am and where my mind is. Relationships, love of each other and of self, have always been difficult for me. I have made my way in this world in a way that presented itself as “alone.” However, in the last year, I have been able to truly find myself and the realization that I am not, nor ever was I, alone. I have come this far with the help of people whose loving energy has propelled me to find my true calling. Whether thousands of miles away or next door, in Heaven or on Earth, there has always been love surrounding me.

Nevertheless, my hardest lesson has come to me recently; and TRUST me when I say that I thought that the hardest parts were over. I have been torn down and built up, pushed aside and entangled in webs of chaos in which I thought I would never be able to survive…but I did. Yet, here I am at a crossroads. Do I choose to repeat my patterns or learn to love myself and surrender to a God that loves me?

Surrender. “What does that even mean?” I ask myself sardonically.

Does it mean that I just let go of my plans, of my strategies, of my fears, and truly trust that things will work out the way that they should? Do I just give up on what I want and expect out of my life? The very idea seemed outrageous to me a year ago, a month ago, and even a week ago in some moments. As my entire world seemed to come crashing down around me and as I watched all of my plans going array, I found that that was all I could do.

I thought that the phrase “Let go and let God,” was too cliché for someone like me: A strong-willed, intelligent, independent woman who was spiritual and in control. Truthfully, I was someone who had wandered off course.

I was never in control. I was never genuinely confident. I was still a little girl hoping that my performance would be rewarded by a world that barely recognized my actions, let alone appreciated them. I was fighting a losing battle, but it wasn’t with the world, it was with myself. I didn’t recognize my victories or gifts either. I was constantly trying to prove myself to others because I could never be good enough for the closest one to me, myself. I would constantly condemn and hate my actions, my failings, and my weaknesses until finally…I broke.

There was nothing left to do. I had walked every avenue, climbed every mountain, looked toward every star, and was still found wanting. Luckily, I started to look inward during this reluctant struggle, and I found my true self.

It’s funny how I would never have described her the way that she is. She isn’t logical; she’s spiritual and intuitive. She isn’t structured or boring; she’s quite spontaneous. She IS me. SHE IS BIGGER THAN I EVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

She loves. She loves a lot!

Most importantly, she isn’t scared of it anymore.

That has been my journey of surrender: Letting God show me who I undoubtedly am. Allowing myself to be who I was meant to become, and loving myself even though I am not anything like I would have expected me to be.

I am on this earth to show others that they can do the same. I am so fortunate to have lived in this lifetime. I am beyond blessed to have found all of you and most importantly, me (especially since we are all one).

Remember that there is perfection in everything; Light can only exist if there is darkness.

Love yourselves. Love others. The rest will fall into place.

MNW

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